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I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist....
An awkward morning beats a boring night.
I`m sticking to my guns ... I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
"I`m sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing...except when you`re at a funeral.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more North.
The day I can get a correct order at a fast food establishment is the day I will support an increase in minimum wage.
When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there`s really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
When someone shows you they don`t want to be a part of your life, let them go. I`m not saying you can`t make a voodoo doll of them, though.
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.
The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.
I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Kid`s Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren`t allowed to vote.
Buying your wife a gun is like saying. "You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise."