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I didn`t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I like the parts of the day when food happens.
My favorite part of the day? The food part.
My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
If the NSA and IRS teamed up, I wouldn’t have to do my taxes.
I hate that I have to put on clothes to participate in society.
It takes two people to lie....one to lie.....the other to listen
I just called the Alcohol Hotline and those bastards don`t even deliver.
I`ve been told that I can be condescending... that means that I tend to talk down to people.
I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
Studies confirm that smoking withdrawal (for me) can be fatal (for you).
If the wicked witch of the west melts in water ... How did she bathe?
My life coach just informed me that I didnt make the team
I sometimes get road rage just pushing a shopping cart though a grocery store!