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Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
I`m not sure what my spirit animal is, but I`m sure it has Rabies.
People tend to get angry when you treat them the same way they treat you.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m a person.
It`s a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren`t dating. Imagine if they broke up.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
Sometimes its better to eliminate the problem rather than trying to solve it.
Wish some of my co workers weren`t allowed in the break room... Because that`s who I usually need a break from.
Whenever a stranger asks our baby’s name, I always say he hasn’t told us yet.
Why don`t they just get Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
If there`s anything I`ve learned in my 27 years, it`s to never admit your real age.
I`m glad I don`t work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches today.
Apparently people don`t like it when you lick your thumb and wipe all that black dirt off their forehead.
is giving everyone permission to steal, and use this status.