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If you are offended by the things I post on FB you can only imagine the ones I don`t post.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".
When people with multiple personality disorders are about to die, whose life flashes before their eyes?
Two Best Advices For Safe Life : 1. Always Speak The Truth, No Matter How Bitter Harsh It Is ... 2. Run Immediately After Saying It..
I always try to behave on Friday nights but there are usually too many other options.
I don`t have ADD. It`s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I hope I never go to jail because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2001
Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.
I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
I can’t tell if I’m hungry, but better eat just in case.
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
Pink camouflage: I`m like, where you hiding? Candyland?
No, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...