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I’m beginning to believe that successful relationships come down to Netflix compatibility.
My New Year`s resolution was to lose 15 lbs by the middle of February. I have 20 lbs. to go.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I`m going to propose with a mood ring so I can easily see a measurement of how excited she really is.
I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
My mom says I`m special.
No matter what`s happening there`s always part of me that would rather be taking a nap or drinking.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Yelling "give me back my panties, you pervert" at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.
I already know that I`m going to hell ... At this point it`s really go big or go home.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time
Sure, I`ll show up at your Halloween Party... I`ll be coming as the invisible man....
Someone smells like cigarettes and bad decisions.......Oh it`s me? Sorry about that.