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Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can´t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
I decided to go on a road trip and not come back till I ran out of money... I made it to the end of the driveway.
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She`s been talking for the last 2 days and doesn`t seem ready to shut up anytime soon.
Apparently slim chance and fat chance have the same meaning.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips...
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
That very akward moment when Shakirah`s hips lie!
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Mike.
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
Current relationship status: Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
If you can read this, you`re not having sex either.
Apparently taking a nap does not qualify as "doing some undercover work"
Be Poor... Its Cheaper :)