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Did you guys know grammar police rhymes with humorless a$$hole?
Two knives taped together are not a suitable alternative to scissors.
A rainy Friday is still better than a sunny Monday.
Momma left strict instructions to knock you out.
I’ll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
Before Walmart, you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman.
There`s a sense of great satisfaction when I`m the tie breaker between `Funny` and `Not Funny` status updates.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...
I stopped paying my car payments to concentrate on my dream of appearing on a Repo show.
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
I wish I was full of tacos instead of feelings.
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.
Money isn`t the key to happiness ... Wait a minute, I`ll just pay to have a key made.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco...they have concrete walls...years of foods and supplies...and best of all the zombies can`t get in without a Costco membership card.