Daily Silly Status

My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.

Wow!!! Thank you guy on Facebook I went to high school with and haven`t spoken to in 14 years, you really changed my mind about this upcoming election....

My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.

Sign: "No alcohol past this point." Translation: Bet you can`t chug this entire beer, right now.

Instead of calling it the John, I call my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.

If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out

After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it`s true calling: helping people wink online.

Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.

Auto correct changed "group hug" to "grope hug" and I`m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.

No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you’ll still never get your own back.

I`ve decided that from now on I`m going to answer every question like a presidential candidate. It`s kind of fun... "Dean, what are you doing this weekend?" "That`s a great question -- and an important one. And I WILL do something this weekend. But let me take a step back, and answer a broader question. What are we ALL doing this weekend? As a nation? As a world? This weekend, I will do something comprehensive and robust, yet fun. We all should." "But what are you doing?" "What I`m g

I say if you can`t come up with anything nice to say then post it on Facebook.

You might call it lazy ... I call it selective participation.

It’s not a nap unless your face wakes up in a puddle of your own drool.

I`m honest, so when I say I took a "cat nap" that means that I slept for 18 hours and then pissed on your favorite shirt after I woke up.