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I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
someone took my mood ring away... dont know how i feel about it
Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible.
Sometimes I wish I was full of pizza instead of emotions.
I`m surprised more killers haven`t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Stop complaining about being single on Valentine`s Day. We have bigger problems in this world. Like why McDonald`s doesn`t serve breakfast after 10.30
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
Dear naps, I`m sorry I was such a jerk to you as a kid.
If your single and you know it…Pet your cat!
1. OMG will this ever end? 2. OMG will this ever end? 3. OMG will this ever end? - top 3 things on my mind when I`m in a conversation
The party`s not over `till you smile for the mugshot
I don`t know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish`s Birth date.
I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that types whatever you say as it keeps making mistakes punctuation point