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All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Im at a beer tasting today..so far they all taste the same out of this case...well done Budweiser...well done!!
Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
I don`t want to be bothered with stupid $h!t today. What is stupid $h!t? Anything I don`t want to be bothered with.
Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
If you think someone is staring at you: 1. Yawn 2. If they yawn, they were staring.
You`re not living life right if you don`t get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.
Firemen, Astronauts, and Doctors are the only people who actually followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
Can I apologize in advance for basically everything I will ever do???
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
If you`re crazy and you know it shake your meds...
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"