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Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
Well, the people outside are frightful.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.
The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.
I got a free wallet and watch today. It`s like this gun is magic.
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
7 billion people on this planet and I can`t find one who doesn`t annoy the f*ck out of me.
So apparently the security guard at Kroger didn`t believe that life gave me that lemon.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Whether a Vacuum is on or off, it`s always collecting dust.