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Attempting to guilt me in to doing something, is the surest way to make sure it never happens.
And then her mood ring just...exploded
For daylight savings, we should move the clocks forward an hour on Monday at 9 AM so that we lose an hour of work instead of sleep.
Don`t ask me how my night was coz I don`t know. I was asleep.
Wow.. I didn`t know spandex could hold that much.
I`m confused as to whether I`m supposed to leap or hump today.
Guys are excellent cooks. With two eggs, a sausage, & a little bit of milk...they can keep a girl`s stomach full for 9 months.
You know you`ve picked the right friends if no one has nominated you for the ice bucket challenge
If I have to stir it, it’s homemade.
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
She said there`s no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I`m supposed to just "forget about it"?
I`m so glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how long it takes me to understand what someone is saying.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you`ll always be paying way too much out of pocket.