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If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I`m going to drink tonight.
With the right person, you can talk about absolutely nothing for hours & feel like you spoke about everything.
Sorry that most of my hilarious jokes are borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean you`re welcome.
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I saw a fat lady with a "M.O.B." tattoo on her arm. I asked "money over B*tches?" She said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.
A sign on the wall of the drug store said, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
"Try to score a goal. Don`t use your hands. See you afterwards." - Soccer coaches
I know I should lift weights, but those things are heavy!!
According to my neighbor`s rooster, it`s 5am now. Also according to my neighbor`s rooster, we`re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
I`m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I`m your man.
That tenth doctor is a selfish idiot, he never recommends anything!