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Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
My mind is exceptionally quiet.... I am suspicious that I am up to something I don`t want myself to know about.
Day 8. You should be thankful that I`m medicated
My New Years resolution is always don’t die. So far so good.
Let`s face it. Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.
The worst job to have right about now would be that of a realtor in Ferguson.
I don`t always say I`m never drinking again, but when I do, I`m a f*cking liar.
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
Water is so good when it`s mixed with grains and yeast, fermented and then distilled and aged.
People always say that alcohol kills... but if you think about it .... it causes many births too.
Divorce... The most common home improvement project.
My friend thinks he`s so smart. He said onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
When I`m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.