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Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.
I wish I could talk to donkeys so I could be known as the ass whisperer.
If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920x1080 , this year it`s to be less of a nerd.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called “Identity Theft”.
Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn`t even have a cape.
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
The problem with this generation? The cartoons suck.
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...... *high 5*
Well another funny thing about this status is, by the time your done reading this, you realize it talks about absolutely nothing and you just wasted your time. Welcome to Facebook.