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Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.
I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
I just don`t want to look back and think "I could`ve eaten that"
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose vodka.
I`m not crazy I`m just special! No wait maybe I am crazy.. One second, I have to talk to myself about this hold on...
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I`m pretty sure it`s only because I`m his Oreo dealer.
OK I`ve stumbled out of bed and made it to the computer- and another Facebook day begins!
I guess I need to buy some new drink coasters because I finally ran out of AOL free trial CDs.
Just because I don’t like you doesn’t mean I don’t want you to like me.- Most Girls
I made this margarita with my kids` slushie machine ... Don`t judge
My dinner stomach is full, but my dessert stomach still has room.
How easily you`re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
The inside of my fridge: evidence that I’m still not a real adult.