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Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
I love it when I Google something I should know the answer to and find out 308 people are just as dumb as I am.
We can`t cure cancer, diabetes or PMS, but we have 10 different pills to make a mans happy place bigger.
Shout out to good looking women who date unattractive men who aren`t rich, thanks for keeping hope alive.
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.
Always believe a woman when she says, "you don`t really wanna know"
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Everything Else
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce? Well, I`m guessing it`s because the other fifty percent can`t afford lawyers.
Im having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... alright by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?
Nothing says " My divorce didn`t go as planned " quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars
Cute things to put in a letter to your boyfriend/girlfriend; I adore you. You complete me. Must stay 500 yards away at all times.