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I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I’d say it’s been a success.
April Fools Day has been cancelled this year.
It’s not that I don’t care what you’re saying; I was just thinking about food.
I`ll do whatever it takes to be the mistake you can`t live without
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.
Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimum of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...
I don`t care if its a scam! Just the fact that the Prince of Nigeria sends me personal email makes me feel special!
I don`t use my cell phone in the car... I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.
I don’t just sing in the shower... I perform.
The most frustrating thing about watching Nascar is that they never signal
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.