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I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Making an effort in the last of 2014 to cut away distractions so I can spend more time with my iPhone.
If abortion is murder then are condoms kidnapping?
My wife even says "NO" in her sleep. The force is strong with this one.
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.
I have over 500 facebook friends, and i want to say that i love you all...except for number 376 ..you`re a real a@@hole!!
I`ve got this great new drinking game where you take a shot every time you want to get more drunk.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I`m not expecting them to be practical
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
If I had a penny for everytime I heard you bitch at me I`d have enough money to invest in a hitman
Bad decisions make good stories.