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I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I’d say it’s been a success.
I think my "check engine" light has finally burned out. So that`s good.
The problem with the world is intelligent people are full of doubts, while stupid people are full of confidence.
Too bad the little guy "Tattoo" from Fantasy Island isn`t around anymore. They could ask HIM where the plane is!
I`m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
I found the key to happiness ... Stay away from a$$holes.
It`s called fall because everything is falling; leaves, temperature, bank account, gpa, motivation...
The heart wants what the heart wants. *opens 12th beer*
I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…
I’ve never met a weekend that I didn’t like.
If there`s a "Mr." in front of your cat`s name you`re going to die alone.
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it`s lettuce.