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I have no time for games in my relationships. Unless by games you`re referring to naked twister. I`ve always got time for that sh!t.
French people give me the crepes.
Who the hell is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard. My second thought is virgin wizard.
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
I`m obviously smarter than you`re
If I dont clean my house soon. They are gonna bring in blindfolded people to do a Febreze commercial
Why can`t everyday be football Sunday?
I attend weddings simply to hear them two beautiful words that bring so many happy people together...."Open Bar!!"
Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it`s a survival thing.
I`m not saying i hate you but if you were on fire and i had water i would drink it
Talk to your kids about drugs. Maybe they have better connections than you.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything.