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When you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true. Unless the star is really a meteor about to destroy the earth. Then, you´re pretty much dead no matter what you wish for.
Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
If you play any Taylor Swift song backwards you`ll hear messages from the devil, however even worse........... if you play it forwards, you`ll hear Taylor Swift
I always see more people walking into Sam`s Club than out of Sam`s Club, but the meat`s cheap, so I don`t ask questions.
Instead of calling it the John, I call my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
What doesn`t kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
Why don`t strip clubs do Black Friday? It would be the one place I would camp out to go in.
Where do all the ice cream men go in winter?
My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
I haven’t lived paycheck to paycheck since my last paycheck.
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.