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My interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason I drink wasn`t there
Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
The only time I use the word “selfie” is when I am describing my sex life.
Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
My boss calls it a cubicle. I call it a happiness deprivation chamber.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
When I go to the gas station I always get two kinds of drinks so it appears I actually have a friend..I think they`re catching on though.
I do 5 sit ups daily. It might not sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
3 Things you need to know: Yes I Have. Yes I Can. Yes I will.
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
People were shocked when they found I wasn`t a good electrician. :-)
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong...and a Tax is a fine for doing well