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Summer vacation: Where you drink triple, see double and act single.
I don`t need glasses ... I drink straight from the bottle.
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
If I could keep it short, my life would be so much simpler.
Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.
I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.
Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
The Patriots defensive coverage was almost as bad as the coverage by Obamacare.
I hate when I`m about to hug somebody really sexy and my face hits the mirror!!
Hate cleaning my floors...how fast would I go to hell if I got a blind roommate and replaced his cane with a swiffer?
You made several good points, and I understand that you are right, but the way you said it was so douchey I have to take an opposite stance.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) I`m not motivated enough B) You would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Is it rude to put *vomits* under someone`s post ?
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.