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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
I`m not sure where you learned to whisper but I`m guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by f*cking chainsaws.
A new study has found that women with larger butts live longer than men who mention it.
Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
I’ve been a sucker for boobies since the day I was born.
The only time I`ve ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?
When life gives you melons, wear a low cut top.
Why is the guy who serves you at the restaurant called a waiter, when it is you that is waiting?
This is my first status of 2017. Yeah, I thought it would be better too.
Boy: "Life`s a bitch, so is my Girlfriend." Girlfriend: "Life`s short, so is his d!ck.
When dealing with women, you can either be right or get laid. You can`t have both.
I am a gentleman, based on the clubs I go to.