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Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
Why put off `til tomorrow what you can premeditate today.
Today`s Facebook forecast: Partly boring, increased drama, and a really good chance of bullsh*t.
I`m not saying that I`ve been online too long, I`m just saying that when I close my eyes I scroll through my thoughts
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
I just ate Pasta and Anti-Pasta, but they annihilated each other, now I am hungry again.......
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
Where do all the ice cream men go in winter?
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
It’s amazing how everyone cries for free speech until someone says something that they don’t like.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out