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There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
Life is not a garden so quit being a hoe
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening
You`re never too old to learn stupid sh!t
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that`s your business.
....so then I said, "What gives YOU the right to judge ME?" And then he gets all, "Order in the court!" and starts pounding his gavel down...
I could write an entire book on excuses,,, but I have to pick my grandma up at the airport.
I`m kind of like Hugh Hefner. Only without the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. Basically, I`m just a guy in a bathrobe.
Porn teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
Behind every successful status update, there is a Ctrl C & Ctrl V
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.
How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.