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I am not acting childish and you`re just a big doody-head.
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn`t appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
“Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I`m sure you already know, have a great time!
I enjoy going to costume parties that have a theme. ..."Nude Beach" is my personal favorite.
Fire at will! Oh, it`s you, Bob! Fire at Bob!"
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
What idiot called it a driver`s test and not a Game of Cones?
You don`t get smarter as you get older. There just aren`t any stupid things left that you haven`t already done.
I’ve found that the things I’m most interested in aren’t really in my best interest.
Just signed a $320,000, nine year deal with my therapist.
I think abs are for guys that don`t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.