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Girls think that having their period is the most inconvenient thing they can experience. They`ve obviously never dated a girl who was on her period.
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrhea!
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard. My second thought is virgin wizard.
I just ended a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn`t mine.
Pretty proud of myself, I got a lot of procrastinating done today
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
Sorry, I didn`t get your text...Just kidding, I ignored that sh!t.
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
There is a method to my madness….and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
Can I use my Mastercard to make my Visa payment?
The next person that tells me I have no shame…probably knows me pretty darn well.