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If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?
Akward Moment Is When Your Twin Sister Calls You Ugly(:
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary
Thanks to the State Farm commercial now I want a Falcon.
Tony Romo tried to throw his helmet down in frustration but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Let`s share...you take the grenade and I`ll take the pin.
No way I’m the only one who crosses their fingers, closes their eyes & holds their breath when checking their account balance.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life
When grown-ups tell kids they have a lot of energy, they really mean that they’re being annoying little bastards.
Basically the whole point of Facebook is so you can see if you’re prettier than your ex’s new girlfriend.
I need a better plan of action when my phone rings than throwing it.
I`m not perfect, but I`m the best me there is or ever will be.
People be like: "Awe baby you make me so happy." But the second you break up they be like, "finally happy."