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No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.
What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
In my defense, it was a fantastic idea at 3am...
The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won`t need to adjust her driving.
I think eating is my kind of sport.
Alex, I`ll take WTF for a $1000
In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
People that are organized are just too lazy to look for things.
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.
Adam didn`t take any crap from Eve. He wore the plants in that relationship