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New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I`m going to need those back.
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.
F*ck It - My final thought before making decisions.
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
I got in touch with my musculine side today - laying on the couch all day, eating gross food, playing games...
“I saw that.” -Karma
We`ve spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.
If I was a Chinese millionaire I would change my name to Cha Ching.
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
Me: I`m hungry. Fridge: I don`t give a sh*t. Cabinet: B*tch, don`t look at me. Freezer: Lol, you like ice? :-)
First you told me to be myself now you`re telling to me not be an idiot. Make up your mind woman!
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at him.