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Next time you over hear a stranger giving out their number. Text them details of what they are wearing. It`s so fun to watch them freak out!
I DON`T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON - Never mind, I found it.
TV needs to stop putting up those stupid “viewer discretion” warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance.
It’s impressive how quickly I can go from full to starving.
If we agree, I`m probably being sarcastic ... Or I`m drunk
Of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.
The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.
That awkward moment when you`re telling the truth, but start laughing like crazy and everyone thinks you`re lying.
There`s no rehab for stupid! ;P
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Plug your headphones into a banana. Everyone will leave you alone twice as much.
Finally in bed. No better time to start thinking about every possible thing that has or ever could happen.
Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me all like, “Whoa! That was close!”
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.