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I bet Miley Cyrus is eating Twerky right now.
I wish, just once, I could actually hit the pedestrian crossing the road slow with the "what`re gonna do, hit me" look on their face.
Hunting is easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants.
"Who`s this clown?" - every guy about every other guy who is in a photo with a girl we like
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream. Bring it.
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
Farting isn`t ladylike? Well, neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that!
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really fast
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I`ll never forget the first time we met. Although, I will keep trying.
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
My memory foam has amnesia
Maybe don`t show me a picture if you don`t want me to rate your baby.
I think the lady at the movies is "shushing" me, but I can`t tell because I`m eating Doritos.