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Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.
I need to unbutton my pants just thinking about how much I’m going to eat this week.
If you watched a person cut a piece of wood, would that be sawed or seen?
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
I have NEVER faked a sarcasm in my life ;)
I`m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn`t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
Hope you get down and funky on this the day of your birth!!
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
That awkward moment when kids see a toy they want on TV but the can`t get it because their parents must be 18 or older.
Irresponsible is when your neighbor doesn`t pay their wifi bill.
I`ve totally cut carbs out of my diet. Until lunch.
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.