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There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
Difference between men and women: Women can change their mind whenever they want. Men can change their mind whenever the woman wants.
I had to leave the bowling alley right in the middle of the game. I didn`t have time to spare.
I hate the snow so much, I want to build a snowman just so I can punch it in its face.
You’re the reason I wake up everyday... Just kidding I have a job!!
The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can`t.
You can learn a lot about a woman by watching her load a gun.
Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like..."dude, shouldn`t you be hanging out with people your own age?"
I`m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?
When it comes to f*cking around, I don`t f*ck around.
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
I mixed Taco Bell sauce into my Ramen Noodles, It tastes exactly like poverty.
Did you ever wonder why the cat was in the bag in the first place?
Cop: Sir what is in the bottle next to you? Man: It`s water *hands the cop the bottle* Cop: Sir, this is wine. Man: Jesus did it again!
I wish karma would send me email notifications.