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New day, same old bullsh!t
I don`t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
To the untrained eye, I`m quite handsome.
So I met an Egyptian, they walk just like us.
If the wicked witch of the west melts in water ... How did she bathe?
When someone tells me I`m going to hell, I`m like "yeah, duh, I work there part time as a tour guide!"
You`re the reason why I believe in condoms.
Don`t get me wrong, this Chinese take-out is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe a chicken fried this rice
A guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
If you`re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Why does no one ever talk about where a bear pees?
I could spend my day outside, but I`m sure there`s plenty of porn that needs to be rated.
Sometimes I wonder if the kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught a fish yet.
If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.
There is a 99.9% chance I am hungry.