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Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!
Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
If your friends don`t make fun of you, they`re not really your friends.
Don`t bother trying to figure me out...not even the little voices in my head understand me...it`s pointless.
Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn`t easy.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... The five stages of waking up.
Mouth the word " vacuum" to a stranger & see what happens.
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]
Youth is wasted on the young.
Write me your opinions on this extra soft paper and leave it next to my toilet.
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.
They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance…. So ladies be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.