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For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program
What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
Nice try "Private Caller", but I wont`t answer even if I know you.
its not the up`s and down`s that bring you down...its the jerks!!
I found out last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee is sleeping right through it.
If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins.
I`m no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
I don`t use my cell phone in the car... I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.
Trust me , as you get to know me , i just get weirder.
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don`t like her new haircut.
So Stevie Wonder is going to become father to triplets next year. I guess he didn`t see that coming...
If you added up all the time you waste on Facebook, think how much TV you could watch.
Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON`T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS!
Porn can be so misleading. I quit my pizza delivery job after two days.