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I do whatever the little voices tell me to do.
Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
I like restaurants because the people have to be nice and feed you.
Why do restaurants always say "Shirt and Shoes Required" but never say anything about pants?
Do Starbucks employees take coffee breaks?
"Turtle Power" is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
havung sex in a elevator is wrong on so many levels....no mattet what floor your on
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
I never let anyone see me eat junk food. Not because I`m afraid they will judge me. I just don`t want to share.
I`ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I google myself sometimes just to know what the hell I`m up to. ;)
It’s not pretty being easy.