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Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . . . have fun!
I`m actually a really good driver, when Facebook is down.
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes, or until you check their browser history.
If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!
Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
A lot of people do not realize that the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.
In space they just call it "Jam"
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah`s ark.
Beware of the deodorants with instructions that ask you to "remove the top and push up bottom"... they could at least make them round.
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.
I`m so deep in the friendzone that I`ve met her boyfriends parents
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.