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GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
There are no bad photos. That’s just how you look sometimes.
When pornstars get up to speak in front of a large group, do they picture people with their clothes on?
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
I hate it when I put on my apple bottom jeans and cannot find my boots with da fur!!
Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I`ve had it a long time."
When your wife`s in labour, never sneak a look at the business end; it`s like watching your favourite pub burn down.
If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.
Too bored to do nothing. Too lazy to do anything.
I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.
Don`t forget to get your hurricane glasses before looking at it.
Rob Stalker for congressman........Stalker....a name you can trust.
Please don`t come to my garage sale if you`ve ever let me borrow something.
Sorry I shouted "MORTAL KOMBAT!" when you started arguing with your husband at the grocery store
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.