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I`m not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I`m forgetting to do.
Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?
They have all those non-smoking laws in public places so let’s now all focus on passing some perfume/cologne usage limits.
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the morning coffee and went straight for the booze?
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
When I tell stories about people I don’t like, I give them ridiculous voices.
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
I don’t just sing in the shower... I perform.
Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I like women.
There should be an "oh my god, shut up already" button.
Every time I see a pregnant woman, I very much want to ask if she swallowed a watermelon seed.
I just realized that I haven`t done the "Hockey Pokey" in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it`s all about.
Im really not just some idiot with nothing better to do with my time, I just play one in FB.
My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.