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off to bed...evil schemes don`t dream themselves up.
I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.
My birthday is coming up. I dont like to think of it as getting older I like to think of it as experience points.
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
"I`m sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing...except when you`re at a funeral.
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
It`s scientifically proven the more you shut up then the less likely I am to punch you in the face.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin ... I don’t even know what that means, but now I’m hungry.
Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time.
New rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I`m guaranteed at least one attempt on trying to trip you.
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
If you don`t believe that women will actually fight over a pair of shoes, you`ve never watched The Wizard of Oz!
Is it ok to ask a very pregnant librarian if she`s overdue?