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The most annoying are those people in great shape at the gym…. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
You can`t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
If every social website was set up to look like a spreadsheet, pretending to work would be so much easier for me.
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
If you`ve lost your appetite today, I think I have it.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
You`ve got to love yourself ... Just not in public places
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I`m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
Ya know what I really hate about mornings? People start talking to me!
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
Every time I make plans to eat better I can hear my stomach laughing
I never think twice about helping others.In fact, I never think once about it.
I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work