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You can`t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
"Everybody freeze!" -December
If I didn`t procrastinate, I probably wouldn`t do anything at all.
I need to stop making things more complicated than they need to be. I`m adding that to my bucket Power Point presentation.
stupidity is a privelege entitled to everyone but you my dear are abusing this right
Have you guys seen the new documentary about white trash? I only saw the trailer.
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
You`re not living life right if you don`t get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.
"I want to be cuddled, but I want to be alone. Being crazy is hard." - WOMEN
My New Years Eve = Hangover 4
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
What`s the point of a highschool reunion? I`ve got Facebook. I already know you got fat.
I can always tell when I`m drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards
That awkward moment when you forget what you’re watching during the commercial break.