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Cannibals don`t drink coffee ... They have a cup of Joe instead.
K-Y should be called K-WHEN, because we already know why.
As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
Once your pants catch fire, the fact that you`re lying becomes less important.
Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
I`m pretty sure by now “lazy” is just part of my personality description.
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
A married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
I understand vampires being invisible in mirrors, but what the hell happens to their clothes?
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I`m driving.
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
I wonder how the Never-ending story is doing.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I hate you bye