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Just want to apologize to all the unlucky men that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped her.
Yoga pants are just push up bras for your butt.
Jehovah`s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.
If you`re going to have opinions on my life, then I am assuming you will be paying some of the bills.
I was looking all over for my ambition today......well, It wasn`t under this 12 pack, so I`ll look tomorrow.
Only toilet paper deals with more a$$holes than I do.
You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!
"Crazy" is just another name for "Someone who knows how to have fun"
I wouldn`t say I "missed" your call.
“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.” -Me, after eating one healthy meal.
"YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?" I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100
Kid`s Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren`t allowed to vote.