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Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
I wonder if one day somebody will knock on my door and say to me, “Hey ,we have 7 mutual friends in Facebook; may I come in?"
Kids today don`t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Forecast for the weekend... mild alcoholism, with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement. Increasing chance of regret and hangover for Sunday.
It`s not working. I`ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
Don`t half a$$ it. It`s not a real nap unless you take your pants off.
24 hours in a day.. 24 beers in a case.. coincidence?
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
I don’t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
The Spanish version of the Subway jingle “65.63 Peso 0.3 meter largo” isn’t quite as catchy…