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If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Let`s start by taking some notes today. I`m fabulous bitches! Write that down.
Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" ... He in fact did.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
I like to make up words just to keep my auto correct in check.
A boob job sounds like the best job in the world.
Random Thought: How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to "watch a movie" is actually watching a movie.
Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.
How many decades of knowing someone before it`s rude to ask what their name is?
If you love someone, let them go, if they don`t come back..... Set them on fire *evil grin*
I always like seeing those "Baby on Board" stickers because it`s nice to see agreeable babies out there.
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
Just read someones status, "Today is the frist day of your life," Thats just stupid, mine was over 45 years ago.. If it was the frist day of your life you wouldn`t be able to read it... Dummy
People go on and on about the length of Subway`s sandwiches but how come nobody talks about their girth?