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Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.
When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
According to Tetley the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag so i slap her arse and shout "cup ot tea fatty"
You can really scare someone when you yell "Peek-a-boo!". Especially when they`re trying on clothes in the fitting room.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
My favorite drinking game is drinking.
They say you need about 2000 calories a day. Ok, time to do math. 65 calories in one fluid ounce of Jack Daniel`s means i need 30 shots tonight.
I’m a lonely Status. I wish more people liked me.
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
Whenever I watch the TV show Friends, I imagine I`m the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him.
Me: You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you’re smart too, I like that.
I`ve seen bride magazines but have yet to see "Eager Groom" magazines.
And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.