Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary
The whole purpose of vacationing is to make you appreciate knowing where the channels are at home.
Don`t threaten to leave people, surprise them by actually leaving.
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.
You`re not living life right if you don`t get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn`t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
The only beachfront property I`ll ever be able to afford is a sandcastle.
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?
I`ve decided that throughout the time period starting with Thanksgiving, continuing on to Christmas and ending on New Years Day, the term `Calories" regarding all food shall be referred to as "Deliciousness Points."
I drink coffee for your protection.
Tieam... problem solved
So red or white wine with hamburger helper?