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Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don`t quote me!
I put my phone on airplane mode, and it dragged me out of my seat.
Kiss her in the middle of her sentence so you don`t have to hear what she`s talking about.
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
If Eve sacraficed the whole human race for Apple, I wonder what she would have done for a Klondike Bar?
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
My bank lets me send a text message and it´ll text back with my balance. It´s a cool feature but I didn´t think the LOL was necessary.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night.. Next question
I was called sexist today. So..i said i think ur mistaken...its pronounced sexy! LOL
New Life Goal: Get a job where people ask me, "You actually get paid for doing this?"
Having a bad day? Imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate. you`re welcome.
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late