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The face jewelry is getting out of hand. I saw a guy today that looked like he had done a face plant in a tackle box.
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I’m heading north to start a new life.
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.
Ways to die: Steal my food.
The worst thing about rich people is I`m not one of them.
Some days your the duck. Some days your the goose.
Depression is just your body`s way of saying it needs more orgasms.
If I ever go missing and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
The best way to let people remember you is to `borrow money from them`
Hillary Clinton is running for president. In other news, grass is green and the sun is hot.