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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Women can walk around all day long in a bikini, but God forbid if you see them in their bras and panties. I will never comprehend this.
That awkward moment when you get in the van... And there`s no candy.
The real problem with this generation is that the cartoons suck.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?
Sometimes I go on Google Earth and just spin the sh!t out of the world & pretend I`m making everyone really dizzy.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
It`s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.
My 5yr old learned how to whistle if anyone’s looking for a new 5yr old.
The best thing about telepathy is.. I know, right!
Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk ;)