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How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
And by "whatever" I mean f*ck you.
One does not simply log out of their friend`s facebook account without making them gay.
How many V and M can see
NNNNNMNNNNNNNVVWWWWVWWWWW
There`s a lot of perks being a single parent, for one no witnesses.
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say `I would do anything for love`. On the back, `But I wont do that!`
Girls are like parking spots all the good ones are taken and the rest are to far away
I`m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn`t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I am the type to fart in a crowded train and get just as upset as everyone else.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.
Sometimes in the morning while drinking my coffee, I think about all the people I will be pissing off.