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My TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
Never sit down in front of the computer while having breakfast because when you get up it’ll be dinner time.
I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.
Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!
Coffee is nature’s way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”
At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song.
"I’m not drunk!” is an argument only very drunk people think they can win
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
If you lack motivation, get on treadmill naked in front of mirror.
"How`s phone reception in the bathroom?" is an important question, but one you just can`t ask on a job interview.
Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.
My browser asks "are you sure?" when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Every Facebook photo album could be titled either "Envy Me!" or "Pity Me!"