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I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don`t know what he laced them with but I`ve been tripping all day.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
If I had a time machine I`d set it to "back in the day", just to see what everyone is talking about.
There`s a reason why natural disasters have female names.
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face...
The Internet: 1% information 1% jokes 98% outrage over information and jokes
I hear voices ... and they don`t like you.
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Every day is a constant battle of trying to convince myself I don’t like cookies.
After joining Facebook, my TV became radio.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don`t want to get up there and there`s no coffee.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream.
Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.
I think stupid people were put on this earth to test my anger management skills.