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Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
Relationship status: Don`t tell me to calm down! You called a stormtrooper a robot!
My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out...you have issues bro
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
Behind every beautiful woman, is a beautiful behind.
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
I hate it when spiders just sit there acting like they pay rent.
After I die, there are some people I’m going to haunt the sh!t out of.
REPOSTED~WARNING~PLEASE READ! If someone comes to your door and asks you to remove your clothes,and dance with your arms in the air...~DO NOT DO THIS....~It is a SCAM~...They just want to see you naked....I wish I had known this yesterday....I feel so stupid now
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!