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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
How do amish girls know if its a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular candle lit dinner.
How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It`s been an hour.
One things for sure, I can always count on my fingers.
Some days should come with a warning label: This day is going to suck, bring alcohol.
Dogs are God`s way of apologizing for your relatives.
I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.
Drinking Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.
Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight.
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they`re born AND after they`re dead.
If I ever get arrested I am going to ask for a status update instead of a phone call.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time :(
Suggested serving size is only for skinny people right?
Ever wonder if we`re just a reality TV show for a more intelligent species?