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I`m definitely the drunkest person in this ball pit.
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people
This hangover feels like... I should take a shot.
She deleted and blocked me so I guess you can say we`re taking it slow now.
I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!
It`s all fun and games...unless there`s cookies, then it`s serious
Every day is St. Patrick`s Day when you`re a drunk who likes to pinch people.
Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.
She’s thinking about having beer pong at her reception… that’s walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.