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On the outside, I`m smiling...because on the inside, I`m imagining beating you senseless with Hulk Smash Hands.
I don`t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Don’t piss off old people. The older they get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
When two people love each other deeply, nothing is impossible. Except deciding on where to eat.
I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant
If money cant buy happiness,explain beer!
It`s such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared...
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
Top three reasons he doesn`t text you back: 1. He`s just not that into you 2. He`s imaginary 3. He`s a cat
If he`s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text...be smart enough to reply to all "I still haven`t gotten my period."
I burned my mouth on my pizza and I feel this is a strong metaphor showing me that the ones we love can hurt us the most.
My coffee was so hot this morning it came along with an ugly friend.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss.