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Collecting my thoughts… I almost have a whole set! ;)
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have `lady problems` then start crying. It works even better for guys.
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”
The weekend is just a bittersweet memory.... I won`t cry because it`s over, I`ll smile because for a few miles they believed I was the real bus driver.
There has to be an online course that I can take to get over my internet addiction.
There is no number for what just happened in that bathroom.
Whenever you`re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there`s people that pay money to exercise.
If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Every time I`m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
"I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn`t care.....Ceiling fan: 6 Me: 0
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.