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Ideal roommate: Someone not smart enough to know they are paying 80% of the rent.
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
Are you bored? Head over to Walmart, go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, and then yell very loudly, `Hey! There`s no toilet paper in here.`
people live & people die, but in the the end we still get high.. so if in life you dont succeed, F*CK it All & smoke some WEED ?
Patience is not about how long you can wait, but how well you behave while waiting.
Football Logic: Your team won: Celebrate with beers! Your team lost: Better drown my sorrows in some beer.
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
I`m glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn`t do the whole dictionary
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I`m not even married.
why waste your brain cells to think of a comment when you can just like someone else`s?
Life in the fast lane ? Heck, I live in oncoming traffic.
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
Lazy Rule: If you spill water, It will eventually dry.