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It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
The word "Lovers" bums me out unless it`s between the words "Meat" and "Pizza".
I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
Either my cooking’s improved or my family’s immune systems have strengthened.
Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was pretty bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.
BEFORE I GET DRUNK, NAKED,THROWN IN JAIL AND LOOSE MY DAMN PHONE. *HAPPY NEW YEAR.
I totally understand how batteries feel because I`m never included in things either
I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.
This bar doesn’t know it yet, but it’s about to be karaoke night.
2013 is the first year since 1987 to have 4 different numbers… carry on.
When children shy away, I say, "I don`t bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and bite them hard. They need to understand life`s not easy.
Some people are just pure evil...I should know because I`m one of them.
Depresso; the feeling you get when you`ve run out of coffee.
Always look your best, cause you never know when your family is going to surprise you with an intervention.
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!