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Life is harder for the beautiful people. I’m sorry you’ll never know.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
is tring to fool people into thinking I have a social life by going offline from Facebook for a few hours.
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall (he also had a pretty good summer too).
“I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I`m telling mom”
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.
I was reading that it takes the average man four minutes to have sex, and he’s asleep eight minutes after that. This sounds very dangerous, because by then most men are driving home.
No matter how many lives you have in Candy Crush, you’ll still never get your own back.
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken had to be somewhere between 7` to 10` tall.
My wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she`s bluffing...
One man’s LOL is another man’s WTF.