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Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That`s how many seconds you just wasted.
Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
That awkward moment when you make a Harry Potter reference and none of your Muggle friends get it.
I`m all for the "going green" thing, but I just can`t bring myself to buy toilet paper that says, "100% Recycled."
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner...
Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you`re homeless cause you`re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Like a stoned man once said, I can`t remember.
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
I will be back in 5 minutes, if I am not then please read this again! :D
When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up.
Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don`t want to look at you.
When you`re a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you`re an adult, they`re considered immature.
I do everything faster when I have to pee.
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.