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Do gun manuals have Trouble Shooting sections?
I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
I believe in magic because it`s the only way to explain how fitted sheets get folded.
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
The real trouble with reality is that there´s no background music
My fantasy is having two men at once. One cooking. One cleaning.
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I’m heading north to start a new life.
Valentine’s Day is in 4 days so if you are secretly in love with me I suggest you reveal it now.
I have reliable inside information about Apple`s next product. I will not be able to afford it.
A "Lifetime Movie" describes how long it felt when you were watching it.
Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Gluten free. Dairy free. Fat Free. I love the wine diet!
i hate that the sun comes up so early