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Don`t ask me for advice, my answer is always get them drunk.
Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
Finally got my Bon Jovi Sat Nav working... Wooahh we`re half way there.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That`ll teach `em.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head...
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
My roommate is going on a date tonight.. He said he`s convinced she IS coming home with him.. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters.. Now we wait..
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old.
Yes, that`s correct. And the horse you rode in on.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
So... Where does one obtain minions?
My best friend sent me a message saying,"Your stupid," I replied,"atleast I know the difference between you`re and your,"