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I accidentally lit the wrong end of a cigarette-that can`t be healthy!
The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
I know you think you´re interesting because you have an accent. But a drunken slur is not an accent.
You bring everyone a lot of joy ... when you leave the room.
FB friends, no one gives a ratsass what concerts you went to...
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
If you guys could read my mind! It would be all like; " "
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
Hey I just met you, and this is crazy. But add me on Facebook and I`ll stalk you (maybe)
It`s pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it`s not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
25% of of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. The other 75% are running around untreated.
I don’t need your attitude. The voices in my head are enough
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
if sexyness, kindness, sweetness was a crime, You would be the world`s most wanted
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late