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Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.
If at first you don`t succeed ... run them over
The question isn’t who is going to let you; it’s who is going to stop you.
"I believe I can fry" - R Kelly filling out McDonald`s application
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
BEFORE I GET DRUNK, NAKED,THROWN IN JAIL AND LOOSE MY DAMN PHONE. *HAPPY NEW YEAR.
Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of margaritas as “Plan B”
The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools
It would be funny if the husband is actually sleeping with the Jake from state Farm.
It`s kind of creepy that you noticed me staring at you.
We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch