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In Store Special - "You`re My One and Only" Valentine`s Day cards... 4 for $5...
The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with "Go away."
Guuuyyyysssss, never ever play leapfrog with a unicorn.... Its not worth it.....
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they`re the problem is the other half.
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.
On a scale of 9 to 10, how would you rate me?
Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair. Made of steel. Twice. From Hulk. On adrenaline rush.
The hardest job in the world must be working in a bubble wrap factory. Can you imagine the self control that is required?
Never hire an Electrician with no eyebrows
I don`t make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.