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I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
The guy below me obviously doesn`t know that R2-D2 is in movies, not television
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she`s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
How do you play religious roulette? You stand around in a circle with your friends and blaspheme, and see who gets struck by lightning first.
I like surprises. Not the `finger in my a$$ without permission` kind, but flowers are always nice.
I`m "keeps a pair of underwear in the glove box because I don`t trust my farts anymore" years old.
If everything goes as planned, tonight I shall drink myself beautiful.
Seagull Manager; Someone who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everyone and then leaves.
Learned today that it`s about 12 min after realizing there`s no TP in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are.
Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won`t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that`s what`s been missing.
This beer is making me awesome !! ;)
Shot my first turkey today...scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of sh!t going on?
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome.